Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The S Word – a guide to the Malaysian ASS

Tuesday, 01 July 2008

By Teh Tarik

Yup, it’s returned to haunt Malaysian politics. After being used as a political Scud missile against Anwar Ibrahim’s career back in 1998, the deadly S-word is back!

It has come at the perfect time. Just as Euro 2008 has ended, we now have our own Spectacle to Show the world what a morally Sanitised country we are.

Why has the S-word been recycled 10 years later?

As a weapon of character assassination, it’s much more powerful than a pack of C4 or massive submarine commission payments. After all, who cares about the Mongolian Murder Mystery or Malaysian taxpayers being cheated of hundreds of millions when we have that delicious S-word to tantalise our nostrils? Something that cries out Seeeedaaap, when it’s in action?

Impending economic recession, explosive inflation, runaway petrol prices, political crisis within Umno and Sabah, VIP wives hijacking state charity funds, policemen who rape young girls at the balai, crime so bad that ATM machines are nowadays being plundered wholesale... ah, all this is just peanuts compared to the almighty S-word.

It may be a tad Stinky Smelling, and its brownish overtones are best not associated with Steak Sauce. But it never fails to enthrall us Malaysians, especially when it’s served on a huge platter known as a mattress which is carried up and down the most dignified place in Kuala Lumpur – VK Lingam’s office. Which, incidentally, is also sometimes known as the High Court.

The S-word seems to be our nation’s greatest Sin, far outshining crime, corruption and cancelation of Penang projects (promised by the PM just last March). And of course, this is one Sin which ONLY Anwar seems to be guilty of in the whole of Malaysia.

What about the thousands of gay men in our country? We anxiously await our eminently ethical leaders to announce, just as President Ahmadinejad of Iran did last September, that homosexuals officially DO NOT EXIST in this clean and holy land of ours.

Or even if they do exist, they officially don’t practice the crime of “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” (the legal definition of the S-word in our Penal Code), a blessed legacy bequeathed upon us by our British colonial lords. While the Mat Salleh masters had affairs with local maidens (their wives were in faraway England), these (outwardly) prim and proper gentlemen decided to import their prudish 19th century Victorian morals and wrote that into our law books as a crime.

Nevermind that the S-word is no longer a crime back in Merry Olde England (or most of the civilised world), we must maintain and uphold our British heritage – just as we still keep other colonial-era laws such as jail-you-without-trial-cos-I-don’t-like-your-Hindu-Hindraf-face (part of the Emergency Regulations Ordinance of 1948 and continued under the ISA of 1960).

And of course there’s another dirty S-word, the Sedition Act 1948, which basically makes it a crime to stir up “disaffection against the government”. In other words, if you say, “da bladi gormen so stuupeed and korap one”, well my friend, you can be jailed.

The British made that a crime when they wanted to stop communists from saying that against their rule in Malaya. But after our so-called “liberation” from the colonial masters in 1957, our new leaders maintained the Sedition Act and till today, we are still legally prohibited from going “overboard” in criticising the government.

That’s why, when Lim Guan Eng exposed how a certain Malacca Chief Minister had raped a 15 year-old girl back in the mid 1990s, he was jailed for one year under the Sedition Act. That’s the same Act being deployed against Raja Petra now for (allegedly) exposing Mr and Mrs C4.

So... if our political leaders keep these archaic British laws, what does that make them? New colonisers? Well, that’s what the Sabahans (and some Sarawakians) have been saying. Could it be that colonisers are not always white-skinned? That those Malaysian leaders who practise political suppression and economic exploitation are in-house colonisers? Do you then think that we have really achieved freedom and Merdeka?

But enough about history. If the S-word is a crime, how do all the gays in Malaysia cope? I guess, they (officially) limit themselves only to hand jobs and blow jobs.

Ooops sorry, no, they can’t do BJ’s either. That’s ALSO “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” isn’t it? I mean, a guy would be putting his “thing” in the “wrong/unnatural” orifice or lubang right? That means millions of us “straight” Malaysians may also be guilty of the same criminal offence as Anwar is being accused of. So officially, we can’t admit we do oral sex either. What a wonderfully wholesome country we are!

The last time certain powerful people used the S-word against Anwar, it backfired badly. That’s like saying it farted right back in the face of the people which had accused Anwar of banging the driver Azizan in some condos called Tivoli Villas. But alas, the prosecution team (one of them is now the Attorney-General!) was so Stupid that they didn’t even realise construction workers were still banging cement, pipes and wires into the condo at the alleged time!

And thus they ended up having to change the date of the alleged crime twice to “fit” Azizan’s unreliable testimony!

Now, in something so intimate as this, it’s basically your word against mine, right? Unless you have a Chua Soi Lek type of DVD featuring anal acrobatics to prove your claims. So do you trust a driver or a Deputy Prime Minister? The court said then that it could not trust Deputy Prime Ministers (and one wonders what it might say now?).

Problem was, that Azizan guy had already testified THREE TIMES in the earlier Anwar court case (on corruption) that he DID NOT do the deed. Which is why he kept on meeting Anwar from 1992 –1997. Yet, when it came to the S-word trial, he REVERSED his gear and swore that Anwar had done the backdoor thing with him.

The most Sedap part was that, despite all these glaring faults in the case, the judge actually found Anwar guilty! That’s when the S-word became an international Scandal of a Malaysian kangaroo court.

In the present context, the S-word also takes Malaysians as being even more Stupid. This Saiful fella (who is getting married) claims that Anwar had banged him several times – against his will – before he made the police report. Imagine... a 60 year old man who has had a back operation and who is super-busy trying to become the next Prime Minister of Malaysia. Does he have the energy to over-power a strong, strapping 23 year old guy – to “pin him” into an “all fours” position (for what, 15 minutes?) to perform the dastardly S-word?

Hello, as a man, I would immediately react in revulsion the moment some gay hamsabloh touches me. I mean, I already feel geli when they even give me that pondan kind of smile. What took this Saiful so-called bugger so long to make his report? Was this S-word accuser waiting for his Swiss Slush fund bank account to go through?

Aren’t you tired of being treated like a dumb ASS? Now we are supposed to trust the courts (and the police “investigation”) after they have already been proved – by a Royal Commission no less - to be a Shameful Sham. After the VK Lingam circus, surely we have had enough of a Slimeball show when it comes to Sleazy Chief Judges who accept free handphones, houses and Kiwi holidays to bend justice?

Back in 1998, they were examining Sperm Stains on that mattress. What kind of disgusting Stage Show will the S-word bring us (and the laughing world) in court this time? Bits of Scrotal Skin? Traces of Shit Spots?

Yes, the S-word Stinks. It’s a Sordid Spectacle of how Malaysian justice can be flushed down the toilet hole.

Indeed, the S-word has become a Sickening tool of political assassination, where our present leaders, despite 50 years of Merdeka, are still using laws from our British colonial masters to Suppress anyone who threatens them.

The S-word also threatens to become a Squalid Smokescreen to cover-up the real issues. The greatest threat to our future well-being is not whether somebody has anal sex or not. It’s about criminals who can slash-rob our mothers and kidnap our children (like Sharlinie) with impunity while our police are too busy playing jaga for somebody’s political backside.

It’s about politicians who have already subsidised themselves (by robbing us) with 380 billion ringgit (these are Malaysia’s corruption estimates recently released by the investment bank Morgan Stanley!) while claiming that they can’t afford to subsidise petrol prices.

How long more do we want to get Shafted where it hurts? Truly, this S-word has treated us Malaysians as if we were complete S-holes.

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